Today’s Humor

I try to run a “clean” blog here but sometimes something comes along that is just too funny to pass up…

A teenage boy asks his Granny,

“Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?”

Granny: “Fuck the pills; have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?”

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An Insurance Primer

Enjoy….

After Mrs. O’Toole’s barn burned down, she called her insurance agent to file a claim.

She told the insurance man, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand bucks, and we need that money immediately!”

“Just a minute there, Mrs. O’Toole,”
the agent replied. “Insurance doesn’t work quite like that.”

“What do you mean?!”
she said. “The policy here says $50,000!”

“That’s a maximum,” the insurance man said. “What we do is ascertain the value of what was insured, and then provide you with a new one of comparable worth.”

After a long pause, she replied “That’s how insurance works?!”

“Absolutely,” the agent said.

“Well then,” she said, “I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband immediately!”

Today’s Terrorist Joke

In case I left the terrorists out of yesterday’s posting I give you today’s light heartedness….

Atlanta ATC: ‘Tower to Saudi Air 511 – You’re cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R’

Saudi Air: ‘Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R – Allah be Praised.’

Atlanta ATC: ‘Tower to Iran Air 711 – You’re cleared to land westbound on runway 9R.’

Iran Air: ‘Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R. –
Allah is Great.’

Pause…

Saudi Air: ‘ ATLANTA ATC – ATLANTA ATC’

Atlanta ATC: ‘Go ahead Saudi Air 511.’

Saudi Air: ‘YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE! INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.’

Atlanta ATC: ‘Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y’all be careful now and tell Allah ‘hey’ for us …’

Today’s Equal Opportunity Joke

In an attempt to equally offend all groups, I give to you….

How Moses Got the 10 Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said, ‘I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.’

The Arabs asked, ‘What are Commandments?’

And the Lord said, ‘They are rules for living.’

‘Can you give us an example?’

‘Thou shall not kill.’

‘Not kill? We’re not interested.’

So He went to the Blacks and said, ‘I have Commandments.’

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, ‘Honour thy Father and Mother.’

‘Father? We don’t know who our fathers are. We’re not interested.’

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, ‘I have Commandments.’

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said ‘Thou shall not steal.’

‘Not steal? We’re not interested.’

Then He went to the French and said, ‘I have Commandments.’

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery.’

‘Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.’

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, ‘I have Commandments.’

‘Commandments?’ They said, ‘How much are they?’

‘They’re free.’

‘We’ll take 10.’

Did I leave anyone out of that one??

Sappy Song of the Day

Today’s sappy patriotic song of the day is brought to you by Five for Fighting. Having spent more than my fair share of five minute intervals in the penalty box over the years, I figure I can’t go wrong with a band named Five for Fighting.

Go checkout and enjoy the video. It is a nice trigger to remember who we are.

H/T to Lex for pointing this one out.

US Lawmakers and Foreign Intelligence Agents

My friend the Watch Cat always winds up putting up thought provoking posts.  In this case she points out a clear effort on the part of Sadam Hussein’s Intelligence services to sway US policy by targeting individuals in the United State Congress.  Clearly we are reliant upon our counter-intelligence teams to detect and halt actions like the one described.  Just as clearly, they have a very difficult job to do and expecting them to halt 100% of the covert operations that take place within the US is unreasonable.

I do think that it is reasonable though for them to use a system that would alert them to individuals or facilities that would be likely targets for foreign services.   I think that I may ponder this issue for a while and see if there is a more thought out post to be had.  In the interim go read Watch Cat’s post.

Radar Trap Defense

Here is another little story that has been floating out there for a while.

Top this for a speeding ticket

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar California . One of the officers was using a handheld radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet, which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.

Semper Fi.

So, while I think that we all agree that this is a bit far fetched let me tell you a similar true story.  You may have noticed the little Hawk missile launch at the top of the page.  Back in the day, my job was to maintain control components of a HAWK missile battery and make sure that all of the components were aligned and integrated correctly.  Where I was stationed, the HAWK battalion was located quite a distance from the main Air Station at a satellite location.

One day, the MP’s decided that it would be appropriate to set up a speed trap at our little out of the way facility.  Since the speed limit was 15 MPH they had a bit of fun writing tickets that day.  Well, they caught one of the SNCOs going a little too fast on his bike and were kind enough to write him a ticket.  As a result he was late for formation, and so on.  He was seriously pissed off.  After a chat with the First Sergeant he came stomping over to the Platoon Command Post, and fired up the system.  Using the TASS (video tracking system) on the HiPWR radar he locked on to the MPs and zapped them with the radar from about 700m.  Since the usual range of that radar is measured in many km you can imagine the results.  The MPs hopping around from being microwaved themselves for a couple of seconds, the handheld radar gun was fried and you could see them trying to get it back working again, etc.

While this kind of punitive action was not something that was terribly common, it did happen often enough that the speed traps that were placed out there were not frequent.